


the person fifteen-year-old me would have been proud to have known

by moonythejedi394



Series: trans pride babey [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Consensual Underage Sex, Don't copy to another site, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Growing Up Together, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Marijuana, Misgendering, Multi, No Smut, POV Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Recreational Drug Use, Steve Rogers Punching People, Supportive Bucky Barnes, Trans Steve Rogers, Transphobia, Underage Bucky Barnes, minor having sex with another minor, underage steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24627856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonythejedi394/pseuds/moonythejedi394
Summary: Bucky’s friends from the baseball team saidgirllike it was a bad thing. Stevie was starting to feel that it was a bad thing.Steve is transgender. Bucky is there for validation.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: trans pride babey [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780597
Comments: 44
Kudos: 226





	the person fifteen-year-old me would have been proud to have known

**Author's Note:**

> _**steve and bucky are under 18 for this fic and it is stated that they have sex while being under 18, but that sex is not described at all, no, nuh-uh.** there are instances where steve is misgendered (either by himself bc he has not yet begun working out the fuckery that is gender or by others who he hasn't come out to or are willfully ignorant), there are also instances where Mean Girls (tm) call him a lesbian bc they are gross._
> 
> _happy pride (remember, blm and fuck 12)._

###  **_the person fifteen-year-old me would have been proud to have known_ **

  
  


Once upon a time in the far off, fantasy world of New York, New York, best friends Bucky Barnes and Gracie Rogers declared to their parents at the ages of 8 and 6 that they would get married when they grew up. Bucky’s parents thought that was adorable and Gracie’s mother thought it was ridiculous.

Little did they know.

Bucky and Gracie remained the best of friends beyond that. In first grade, Grace decided that  _ Grace _ was a stupid name and Bucky immediately answered with: “Okay, but what about Stevie?” Stephanie was Grace’s middle name, after all, and Bucky had a nickname from his middle name, so why not do the same? So they became Bucky and Stevie, instead.

In third grade, Stevie declared that it was  _ bullshit _ that she and Bucky were not together 24/7 and demanded that her mother and she move in with the Barneses. Sarah told her to watch her language. 

Bucky said Stevie should move in, anyway, so they could have sleepovers every night and why didn’t they have sleepovers as often anymore? George sat down with Bucky at that point and told him a thing or two about boys and girls and why, once they got older, it was not as okay for them to, for example, share a room. Bucky kept asking why, and he was 10 years old at that point, so George merely hinted that this is because when a boy and a girl sleep in the same bed, it can lead to things like babies being born, so only boys and girls that were actually  _ married _ ought to share a room. Bucky was horrified and immediately told Stevie. Stevie recoiled and said: “Gross! I’m never having a baby!”

At that age, Bucky and Stevie were starting to really get the whole boy/girl thing. Stevie hadn't sought out too many friends in school, as no one would be as great a friend as Bucky; so, why bother with anyone else? Bucky joined the baseball team in 5th grade and started hanging out with other boys a lot more often. At his 12th birthday party, Stevie was pretty much the only kid there that wasn’t on the baseball team.

“Ew, who let a  _ girl _ in?” Gil Hodges laughed when Stevie showed up.

“Hey, shuddup, Stevie doesn’t count as a girl!” Bucky defended. 

“She’s got pigtails!” Grant Ward mocked. 

“Is she your  _ girlfriend? _ ” Brock Rumlow leered.

“I can still break your nose, dipshit!” Stevie shouted back at him.

“Yeah, right,” Brock laughed, “bet you hit like a  _ girl! _ ”

Whether or not Stevie threw a punch like a  _ girl  _ seemed to be irrelevant, because she did break Brock’s nose. Brock’s mother threw a fit and Sarah grounded Stevie for three weeks. Bucky climbed up the fire escape and broke into Stevie’s room.

“I feel like a spy!” Bucky hissed with a grin. “Or a cat burglar!”

“Bucky,” Stevie said, not smiling at all, “why do you hang out with me?”

“Huh?” Bucky said.

Stevie wouldn’t look at him, apparently. Only pouted at the bedspread and her hands. “I’m a girl,” she said sadly, “all your other friends are boys. Why do you hang out with me?”

“Hey,” Bucky answered, voice soft and kind as he sat down across from Stevie. “That’s ridiculous! We’ve always been best friends, nothin’s gonna change that!”

“But I’m a girl,” Steve whispered.

Bucky didn’t seem to have an answer for that. He exhaled. 

“I mean, you could be my girlfriend,” he said eventually. “I don’t really get the obsession with having girlfriends, but, I dunno, the other guys on the team might leave you alone if you’re my girlfriend.”

“Gross,” Stevie muttered. “Fine.”

That was that. Once  _ “Dating,” _ Stevie and Bucky did little different. They sat together on the bus, at lunch, during their study hall period, but they’d done all those things before. Bucky’s friends from the baseball team did stop teasing him for spending time with a  _ girl. _ But Stevie still didn’t like spending time with any of them. They said  _ girl _ like it was a bad thing.

Stevie was starting to feel that it was a bad thing.

The other  _ girls  _ Stevie knew at school weren’t all skirts and bows and Barbie dolls, but Stevie felt different than them. Not even the girls on the softball team or in the robotics club didn’t feel the same. Teachers separated Stevie’s class into boys and girls and Stevie just felt more and more despondent every time she shuffled off to the girls’ side of the room. 

Stevie had her first period at 11. None of the other girls in her grade had had one yet. Someone in her class spotted a pad in her bag and told everyone.  _ Everyone. _ Bucky knew from someone in his class before Stevie even told him.

“So, uh,” Bucky said when they got on the bus, “are you really bleeding right now?”

“I’m going to break your nose,” Stevie told him weakly.

“Hey, hey, Bucky!” Brock shouted as he turned around on one of the benches. “What’s it like dating a  _ woman? _ ”

The bus laughed. Stevie pulled her hood over her face and hid from a fight for the first time. Bucky had no idea how to help.

Puberty sucked. Bucky shot up like a weed and started growing a mustache at 12, while Stevie remained short and gained more baby fat instead of shedding it. She wore baggy clothes to hide her body and tried to escape attention at school. 

“Never have I ever kissed a boy,” Tabitha Sparks said during English, when they were meant to be discussing  _ Alice In Wonderland _ .

“Grace, put a finger down,” Amanda Tuft said.

Stevie didn’t even realize her name had been said until Olivia Elkbridge elbowed her. “Oh,” she said. “Wait, I’ve never kissed a boy?”

“You’ve been dating Bucky Barnes since fourth grade,” Amanda countered, “you expect us to believe that in three years, you never kissed?”

Stevie put a finger down, even though it wasn’t true.

“Never have I ever worn boy’s clothes,” Olivia said.

Stevie put a finger down, as she actually preferred boys’ jeans to girls’ since they didn’t fit as tightly. She had to get them a size up or two to get them to fit her hips, which meant they were loose on her waist, but that was fixed with a belt, so it never mattered. The other girls immediately noticed.

“Ohmygod!” Tabitha hissed. “Do you steal your boyfriend’s shirts?”

“I bet she wears them to bed,” Olivia whispered.

“No –” Stevie tried to say.

“Okay, spill, have you had sex yet?” Amanda demanded.

“No!” Stevie hissed, absolutely mortified.

“I bet you’re lying,” Tabitha said. “Maybe that’s why you’re always wearing baggy clothes, ‘cause he gives you hickeys and you have to hide them.”

“That’s not true,” Stevie tried to say.

Amanda and Olivia fake gagged while Tabitha rolled her eyes. 

“Whatever,” she said. “You’re either a lesbian or you’re lying, so it doesn’t matter.”

Stevie stopped talking.

“My mom’s picking me up,” Stevie said to Bucky one September afternoon, all without meeting his eyes. “You can take the bus if you want.”

“I’ll go with you,” Bucky said.

Stevie only shrugged.

Back home, Bucky used Stevie’s Xbox to play some online game while Steve sat off to the side, trying to work on something for school and not really getting it.

“Hey,” Stevie said quietly.

“Hang on,” Bucky answered, then muted his mic without looking away from the screen. “What’s up?”

Stevie worked her jaw from side to side. “Um,” she said, “do you – is okay that we haven’t had sex?”

“What?” Bucky said.

“I’m not a lesbian,” Stevie said hastily. “In case – In case you were worried. I like boys.”

Bucky stopped his game and turned to face Stevie. “I have never been concerned that you’re a lesbian,” he said gently.

Stevie nodded, biting her lip. “So – It’s fine?”

“Yes, it’s fine,” Bucky insisted.

“Or, like, that we haven’t kissed,” Stevie added.

“It’s  _ fine, _ ” Bucky repeated. “Stevie, what’s – What got you worryin’ about that?”

“Nothing,” Stevie said, looking away. “Just some stuff some girls said today.”

“Okay,” Bucky said slowly.

Stevie abruptly covered her nose as she felt it stinging from emotion.

“Hey,” Bucky said. “What’s the matter?”

Stevie sniffed and hid her face in the cuffs of her overlarge hoodie. Bucky got up from the bean bag and squatted next to Stevie’s desk chair to grip her knee.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asked again.

Stevie shook her head. She felt sick.

“I just –” she started. “I don’t think I like being –”

“What?” Bucky said. “Stevie, c’mon, spit it out.”

Stevie turned and hid her in her knees. “I don’t like being a girl,” she whispered.

“Okay,” Bucky said quietly.

“I hate it!” Stevie shouted abruptly, ending in a sob.

Bucky pulled Stevie off the chair and onto the floor, then hugged her tight. Stevie sobbed again, then, mouth muffled by Bucky’s shirt, she let out a heavy yell. Bucky squeezed her and touched her hair.

“You don’t gotta be a girl,” Bucky said. “You wanna try being non-binary?”

“Dunno what that is,” Stevie mumbled.

“Not either binary gender,” Bucky explained. “Remember Betty’s doing women’s studies at college now? She told me about gender identity a while back. ‘S different than what you got in your pants.”

Stevie sniffed. “What’s – How’s non-binary work?”

“You use they/them pronouns ‘stead’a she and her,” Bucky said. “So, like, I’ll say, that shoe belongs to Stevie, it belongs to them. Or, I’m their boyfriend. They don’t want to be a girl. And they don't gotta be,” he concluded gently.

“Okay,” Stevie mumbled. “Okay.”

Stevie looked it up, gender identity. Did a lot of reflecting on what the fuck was going on inside her/their head. 

“I hate my boobs and I wanna chop them off,” Stevie told Bucky.

“That is a thing,” Bucky said. “Top surgery. But, uh, until that happens maybe not get extreme with any sharp objects?”

“No promises,” Stevie grumbled.

Their period was a shitshow.

“I don’t want the sack of beans inside me,” Stevie complained. “I want it gone.”

“Hysterectomy,” Bucky answered.

It was really nice that Stevie could say  _ sack of beans _ and Bucky knew they meant their ovaries and uterus.

Over Christmas break, Stevie cautiously asked their mom for sports bras.

“I just wanna try the fit,” they said.

“Sure, ducky,” Sarah answered distractedly.

Stevie got three really nice Nike sports bras. With those and a big hoodie, their chest was almost completely flattened. They’d grown an inch and the extra baby fat that had made them so uncomfortable earlier wasn’t nearly as bad when they didn’t have a bit chest to show it.

“Buck,” Stevie interrupted his video game.

“Hang on,” Bucky said, pulling his mic close. “Hang on, guys, babydoll wants something.”

Stevie smiled, liking the names Bucky called him those days. Bucky muted his microphone.

“What’s up?”

“I’m not a girl,” Stevie mumbled.

“Nah,” Bucky agreed.

“I’m a boy,” Stevie whispered.

Bucky glanced over at them. “I’m gay,” he said.

“Wait, really?” Stevie said.

“Yeah, you’re a boy,” Bucky explained. “That makes me gay.”

Stevie laughed and climbed into his lap for a hug. Bucky kissed  _ his _ cheek and then went back to his game.

Stevie switched to Steve. He threw out anything pink or  _ girly _ and did actually steal Bucky’s clothes. He wore his sports bras every day. That did shit for how he felt when he was put on a team of girls or a teacher called him Grace, but in his head, he could correct them.

“You wanna come out?” Bucky asked the next summer.

Steve shook his head. “‘M not ready.”

“Your ma won’t be fussed,” Bucky insisted. “But okay.”

At the start of 9th grade, Steve went on a field trip without Bucky. He sat in the back by himself near the other emo kids, but none of them talked to each other.

“Don’t forget Grace Rogers!” Bethany Finch shouted from the front of the bus. “You know her so you know a lesbian!”

Steve possibly had anger issues.

“I’M NOT A FUCKING LESBIAN!” he screamed across the bus at them. 

“Hey, watch it!” the driver yelled back.

Steve jumped off his bench and charged up the aisle and he was  _ happy _ that Bethany and all her ilk looked surprised.

“My name is Stevie, not Grace,” Steve told them. “It’s been Stevie since first grade. And I’m not a lesbian. Stop being homophobic and grow the fuck up or I’ll break your damn nose.”

“You’ll just get suspended,” Oliva snapped. “And we’re not being homophobic, you’re our friend and you’re gay and we don’t hate you!”   
  


Steve broke her nose. He did get suspended. It was worth it to bloody his knuckles and see her scream in shock.

“I don’t understand what the hell is going on with you,” Sarah said when she took him home. “I mean, you’ve done a one-eighty on your personality! You used to be so polite and cheerful, now all you do is hide in your room and start fights at school and ignore Bucky while he plays video games!”

“I don’t ignore him,” Steve muttered. “I do homework.”

“You’re fifteen years old, Grace,” Sarah sighed, “you have plenty of time to punch people in the face when you get older. But can you stop doing it during school activities?”

Steve hid his face. A confession was on the tip of his tongue, his gag reflex ready to hurl out the words, and he swallowed it down out of fear.

His mom wasn’t transphobic, as far as he knew. But then again, she’d never said much of anything about gender around him, so how the hell would he know? Steve couldn’t face what she’d think if she knew. He couldn’t think about what she’d do. It was just easier not to tell her.

“Something tells me this is going to get real easy over the next few weeks,” Bucky said as he came through Steve’s window. “Heard you broke Olivia Elkbridge’s nose?”

“She deserved it,” Steve grumbled.

Bucky shut the window, then kicked off his shoes and tugged off his hoodie, and climbed into Steve’s bed with him, under the covers and everything. Steve rolled over and cuddled up to Bucky’s chest. Bucky put his chin on Steve’s head.

“Everybody thinks I’m a lesbian,” Steve muttered.

“That’s stupid,” Bucky said. “You have me.”

“Dunno,” Steve said. “I don’t know what to do. I hate my body.”   
  


“That’s a little harsh,” Bucky answered gently.

“I hate it!” Steve insisted. “If I wasn’t so fat and girly, I could wear regular clothes and maybe people wouldn’t think –”   
  


“Steve,” Bucky cut him off. “You’re not fat. Take it back and apologize to yourself.”

“What?” Steve said.

Bucky cupped his chin. “Apologize,” he insisted.

“I’m fat,” Steve only repeated. “You can’t say I’m not, you’ve never seen me naked!”

“That’s also extreme but I still know you’re not fat,” Bucky told him.

“Shut up,” Steve snapped, sitting up rapidly. “Look!”

He yanked his shirt up and showed Bucky the way his stomach curled over the top of his pants, his waist creasing at its middle between his ribs and hips. Bucky shrugged.

“Since when is that fat?” Bucky asked. “Come back here.”

“No, leave me alone,” Steve spat, even jumping off the bed. “I hate my body and I hate everyone and I hate being called a lesbian!”   
  


Bucky got up and picked him up. Steve shouted.

“You’re, like, a hundred fifty pounds,” Bucky said pointedly. “And if me, a scrawny sixteen year old, can pick you up, then you can’t be fat.”

Steve found he couldn’t argue with that. “Okay,” he whispered.

Bucky put him back on the bed and cuddled him.

“You’re not scrawny,” Steve eventually muttered. “You’re the buffest guy on the baseball team.”

“Don’t argue with me,” Bucky answered.

“Fine,” Steve huffed.

“You’re gonna apologize to yourself now,” Bucky added.

“‘S the point?” Steve questioned.

“‘Cause I told you to,” Bucky answered.

Steve huffed again. “Sorry,” he grumbled, though he did not believe in it.

“Good,” Bucky said. “No more raggin’ on yourself like that, deal?”

Steve just shrugged. Bucky squeezed him.

“Deal?” he repeated.

“Fine,” Steve sighed. “I won’t do it again.”

“Good,” Bucky said again.

Apparently, Bucky meant it. First, Steve’s birthday came around and his distant grandparents sent him $50 and a light pink sailor’s dress.

“We gotta send them a picture so they know you like it!” Sarah insisted.

“But I _ don’t  _ like it!” Steve growled.

“Just put it on!” Sarah told him.

Steve gritted his teeth. He put it on, and it didn’t even fit right. He faked a smile. He ripped the dress off again and threw it out the window, only it hit Bucky in the face.

“Can’t you use the front door like a normal person?” Steve snapped at him.

“Uh-oh,” Bucky said, sliding through the window, “somebody shook up my little soda can of a boyfriend. What happened?”

“That!” Steve retorted, throwing an angry finger at the pink monstrosity in Bucky’s arms now. “Throw it out!”

Bucky shook it out and squinted at it. “It would probably fit Becca,” he said. “She’d like it.”

“Fine, she can have it,” Steve said, collapsing into the bean bag at the foot of his bed. “Get it out of my sight.”

“Where’d it come from?” Bucky asked, leaving it by the window.

“Grandparents,” Steve muttered. “That never met me, otherwise they’d know better than to send me something like  _ that _ for my birthday!”

“Well,” Bucky sighed.

Steve folded into a ball with a pillow, held it over his face between his knees, and just let out an angry yell. Bucky wrapped around him and held on tight.

“I know, honey,” Bucky murmured.

There wasn’t anything to say. Sarah eventually knocked on the door.

“Can I come in, ducky?” she called.

Bucky cupped Steve’s chin and lifted his face. Steve shrugged and wiped his eyes.

“Yeah,” he said.

The door opened. Sarah came in with a small cake, candles already lit.

“Hi, Bucky,” she greeted with a tired smile. “Why don’t you use the front door?”

“Easier to surprise Stevie,” Bucky said with an easy smile.

Sarah knelt down with the cake and tried to smile at Steve. “I’m sorry I made you try the dress on,” she said. “I let your grandma know that it was a bit too small and she said you can exchange it.”

“‘S fine,” Steve mumbled. “Buck says it’ll fit Becca.”

“You sure?” Sarah asked.

Steve nodded.

“Do you want your cake?” Sarah added carefully.

Steve wiped his nose and eyes, then nodded. Sarah held it out.

“Happy birthday to you,” she sang.

Bucky caught up. Sarah sang Stevie, and Bucky had to, too. The cake wasn’t big but it was good. Sarah’d gotten it from the store.

“You know,” Sarah offered as they ate, “if you wanted, we could go to the Y together. I’ve been thinking about losing a little bit of weight for a while now.”

Steve grimaced. It made sense she thought his sobfest was about not fitting in the dress. Bucky looked at him and Steve felt him thinking  _ Just tell her! _ and Steve only shrugged.

“Well, if you ever want to,” Sarah said. “But know that you’re still beautiful no matter what.”

Steve resisted the urge to snort. 

“I hate my body,” he said when his mother was gone. “It’s disgusting.”

“Nope,” Bucky declared.

Steve was confused until Bucky yanked him up and tossed him over his shoulder. Steve laughed and shouted at the same time.

“What are you doing!” he demanded, dizzy from being turned upside down.

“Not putting you down until you apologize and promise you won’t say that again,” Bucky insisted. “Not gonna let my guy say crap like that about his very lovely, very edible body.”

“I’m edible!” Steve repeated in a disbelieving shriek. “What the hell!”

“The opposite of disgusting!” Bucky insisted.

“Isn’t that delicious?” Steve demanded.

“I haven’t tasted you, I don’t know,” Bucky said. “I imagine you are but you’d have to give me a sample to properly make that determination.”

Steve covered his face. “I hate you,” he mumbled.

“Say you’re sorry,” Bucky said.

“I’m sorry,” Steve exhaled.

Bucky dropped him onto the bed. Steve turned onto his stomach and covered his head with his arms.

“I’m edible,” he mumbled again.

Bucky lay down on top of him, moving his hair to one side of head. Then, his  _ tongue _ connected with the back of Steve’s neck.

Steve shrieked again and flung Bucky off of him as he scrambled off the bed. Bucky fell over laughing and Steve scrubbed the back of his neck with his sleeve.

“What the hell, Bucky!” Steve squealed. “Why did you do that!”

“To determine if you’re delicious!” Bucky said delightedly. “And you are. You taste very good.”

“Ohmygod,” Steve hissed, covering his face with his hands. “Everything you’re saying is an innuendo and I can’t  _ even. _ ”

“Fair,” Bucky said. “You taste like corn chips.”

Steve threw a pillow at him.

In the fall, while Steve was in tenth grade and Bucky was in eleventh, Bucky got invited to a party at a senior’s house and by proxy, that meant Steve got to go.

“I don’t know why we’re here,” Steve admitted.

“It’ll be fun!” Bucky insisted, squeezing his cheeks. “There’s gonna be alcohol and Michael said he’s bringing pot brownies.”

“I wanna try pot brownies,” Steve muttered reluctantly. “You think there’ll be gluten-free ones?”

“I told Michael I’d twist his balls off if there wasn’t any,” Bucky answered.

There were pot brownies and there was a tray that was gluten-free. Steve ate one and probably should have only had a quarter. Bucky ate two to compensate. There wasn’t any alcohol that wasn’t beer, and that was probably for the best. They ended up stumbling back into Steve’s apartment stoned out of their minds, giggling disasters.

“I should cut my hair,” Steve declared. “People’ll still think I’m a lesbian, but I want it off!”

“Yes!” Bucky agreed readily. “We should cut your hair! You’re really pretty.”

Steve found scissors and stood in the bathroom to do the deed. He grabbed his ponytail, which was down to his ass at that time, at the base of his neck, and then just sliced through it. 

Immediately, he felt as light as a feather.

“Is it even?” he asked Bucky.

“I dunno,” Bucky said. “Here –”

Bucky trimmed a few things. Steve tied the length of hair off with a hair-tie.

“Should prolly donate this,” he mumbled.

Bucky hugged him and put his face in Steve’s neck. “You’re really pretty,” he mumbled again.

Steve giggled and blushed. He left the ponytail on the counter and turned around in Bucky’s arms.

“I like hearing that,” he mumbled. “Even if I’m not a girl. I wanna be a pretty boy.”

“You’re a pretty boy,” Bucky said immediately.

Steve stood up on his toes and pressed his lips to Bucky’s. It was kind of weird that despite the fact that they’d been dating since he was in the 4th grade and while his pronouns had still been whack, he’d never kissed Bucky.

Steve’s butt ended up pressed against the counter. Bucky’s hand swept through his now short hair.

Steve rapidly was reminded that Bucky actually had a penis. 

“Fuck,” Steve gasped, tearing his lips from Bucky’s. 

“Oh, shit,” Bucky hissed. “Sorry – Um. That’s – Yeah, sorry, um –”

Steve caught him and stopped him from backing up. Bucky met his gaze, and even though his pupils had already been dilated, he was wide-eyed now.

“So, I’m not really familiar with my downstairs,” Steve whispered. “Um, kinda too gross in my head to think about it. But, uh… I can be familiar with yours.”

“Okay,” Bucky whispered back.

“Okay,” Steve murmured, licking his lips.

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed again, gaze dropping to his mouth as he lifted a hand to cup Steve’s cheek. “Yeah, baby, that sounds good.”

Their first kiss resulted in Steve trying to give Bucky head. It probably could have been better and in the end, Steve really only used his hands, but it was a goddamn rush. Jizz tasted weird, but interesting. Bucky acted like Steve had sucked his brain out, and that was enjoyable. It was nice to be snuggled thoroughly as he fell asleep. 

"Love you," Steve mumbled to Bucky.

"Mhm," Bucky answered. "Love you, too."

Sarah found them passed out in Steve’s bed the next morning. 

“GRACE STEPHANIE ROGERS,” she shouted as she threw the door open, “WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR!”

Steve shoved Bucky off the side of the bed farther away from the door but the damage was done; he’d never put his clothes back on the night before. Sarah’s eyes were huge.

“Ow,” Bucky muttered.

“Stevie, come here, please,” Sarah said quietly.

Steve slid out of the bed and Sarah looked physically  _ relieved _ that  _ he  _ didn’t need to linger to put on clothes. 

“Has Bucky spent the night before?” Sarah asked.

“No,” Steve told her, though it wasn’t entirely true, Sarah meant  _ spent the night in Steve’s bed after they'd had sex _ and that was an important distinction.

“Okay,” Sarah exhaled. “I wish you wouldn’t have snuck around with him, you could have just told me. Did you two have sex?”

“Um,” Steve mumbled, wringing his hands together, “no?”

“Grace,” Sarah said warningly.

Steve grimaced. “I mean, not really?”

“Okay, did his penis go in your vagina,” Sarah asked, “yes or no?”

“No,” Steve said quickly, shuddering in a bit of revulsion.

(Maybe it was his mother asking, or that she said  _ vagina _ and it was about his body, or maybe he wasn’t ever going to let Bucky put his dick in him, maybe it was Maybelline, who knew.)

“Good,” Sarah said, exhaling heavily. “You’re a little young to start birth control, so I’ll get you two some condoms in the meantime and just ask that you be really careful and diligent with them and what you’re doing, condoms can fail.”

“Okay,” Steve muttered.

“I would really like it if you waited for penis-in-vagina sex until after you start birth control and there are plenty of things you can do in the meantime,” Sarah added quickly. “I’m not being strict with you, ducky, I don’t care if you and Bucky have sex, however, you are too young to get pregnant and condoms really  _ can _ fail, so it would be best to hold off on penis-in-vagina sex until  _ after _ you start birth control.”

“Okay, okay,” Steve repeated hastily.

“So, please wait,” Sarah kept continuing.

“We’ll wait,” Steve promised, just hoping to get her to stop saying  _ vagina. _

“Okay, good,” Sarah exhaled. “Good.”

Steve exhaled and covered his face, very uncomfortable.

“I’m going to take away your Xbox for a few days ‘cause you snuck your boyfriend over without telling me,” Sarah said.

“Okay,” Steve muttered again.

“He can come over whenever, you just need to tell me,” Sarah explained. “I will never be upset about the two of you having sex, you’re kids and kids are horny, it’s fine –”

“Mom,” Steve hissed.

“My point is that as long as you’re safe and smart, I won’t be upset,” Sarah insisted. “I am upset about  _ this. _ ”

She held up Steve’s ponytail. Steve blinked at it, then reached back and touched his hair. He smiled a little.

“Why did you do this?” Sarah asked.

“‘Cause,” Steve mumbled. “I wanted to.”

“Why didn’t you ask?” Sarah demanded. “Why didn’t you think about it first? Your hair’s so pretty, Steve, and you just chopped it all off!”

“How are you mad about my hair and not that I had sex with my boyfriend?” Steve countered. “That’s such a stupid thing to be mad about.”

“Okay, attitude check, young lady,” Sarah told him.

“It’s hair,” Steve snapped. “I didn’t want it, so I cut it. What’s the big deal?”

Sarah exhaled heavily and covered her face. “Don’t dye it without talking to me,” she said. “And no more drastic haircuts without discussing it with me. I’ll take you to the hairdressers’ to get that neatened up.”

Steve felt his hair again, but it felt pretty neat to him.

“Fine,” he muttered. “Can I go now?”

“Yes, but you need to put your Xbox in my room,” Sarah told him.

Steve left her there. He went back into his room and Bucky was sitting on the floor with his shoes on, twiddling his thumbs.

“She kicking me out?” Bucky whispered.

“No, my Xbox,” Steve grumbled. “And she thinks my hair is  _ drastic. _ ”

“It’s just hair,” Bucky said.

“Yeah,” Steve complained, unplugging the XBox. “It’s whatever.”

Sarah opened the door as Steve was straightening up with the XBox. She raised her eyebrows at them.

“Bucky, your mother’s been trying to call you all night,” she said. “You’re in big trouble.”

“Oh, shit,” Bucky hissed.

Steve got a message from him later on Tumblr.

**_Ma took my phone :(_ **

_ Bullshit, _ Steve replied.

**_I’m grounded for a week and I had to sit through a lecture on abstinence. We don’t even go to Temple anymore._ **

_ I’m so sorry _

**_Did your mom give you one?_ **

_ No she gave me condoms, _ Steve sent back a little smugly.

Bucky sent him surprised and grinning emoticons. Steve was blushing a little.

Steve’s grandparents sent him more money for Christmas, just money that time. Steve used it to buy a real binder. In January, he asked his teachers to stop calling him Grace, call him Steve, and use he/him pronouns.

“Yeah, sure,” they all said.

A few gave him shoulder pats, nothing more since they weren’t really allowed to hug. His art teacher looked like she’d always suspected. She’d never called him Grace.

When Bucky’s parents weren’t trying to breathe down his neck with conservative guilt, he was with Steve. When Sarah wasn’t around, Steve started to get used to things being in his mouth and going towards his throat. It was pretty enjoyable.

The boxes of condoms Sarah gave Steve every few months went unused.

“Not that I’m mad about the blowjobs and handjobs,” Bucky said one afternoon, “but, uh, you never let me do anything for you and I feel kinda bad about that?”

“I don’t have a dick,” Steve mumbled.

“Okay, thought,” Bucky said, pulling Steve into his lap. “You have a dick, it’s just smaller. And shy.”

“What the fuck,” Steve said.

“Hear me out!” Bucky insisted, grinning as he pressed their cheeks together. “Your dick is shy, because you’re a shy boy.”

Steve was hot in the face. He covered his mouth with his sleeve-covered hand as he thought about it.

“You don’t have to touch yourself,” Bucky added softly. “I’ll touch you. You’ll be all mine. You’re shy even to yourself, but you’re all mine.”

“Okay,” Steve mumbled.

“You can keep usin’ your mouth on me for now, though,” Bucky added with a wink. “Plus, there’s anal if you wanna try that. No need for other stuff.”

Steve exhaled heavily.

They did eventually try anal. It was pretty messy even if Steve had done everything in his power to make sure he was clean on the inside. It didn’t feel as good for him, anyway. 

“Sorry,” Bucky told him after they’d given up.

“‘S fine,” Steve muttered. “I’m just – I’m gonna shower. You can have it after.”

“No, I’ll come,” Bucky insisted. “I’ll wash you and stuff. Aftercare, yannow.”

“You sure?” Steve said, hesitant.

“Yeah, I don’t wanna let go really,” Bucky admitted. “C’mon.”

Then they got into the bathroom and Steve was faced with having to take his shirt off.

“Um,” he said.

“Oh,” Bucky muttered. “I could go…”

“No, it’s fine,” Steve insisted, exhaling heavily. “You’re gonna wash my hair?”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Bucky promised.

Steve took his shirt off. Bucky looked at the floor.

“Okay, look now and get it over with,” Steve demanded.

Bucky looked up. His eyebrows went high on his forehead.

“Wow,” he muttered. “Straight guys like that.”

Steve burst out laughing. “Wow,” he repeated. “Wow! You see my boobs and that’s what you have to say!”   
  


“I dunno, they’re round?” Bucky said in his own defense. “Very pale, damn, Steve, I can see your veins, you’re so  _ Irish. _ ”

“I’m glad you’re not a boob guy,” Steve said. “‘Cause I’mma get these chopped off as soon as possible.”

Bucky gave him a thumb’s up. “Sounds good. I like your butt a lot more.”

Steve smiled, then turned around and shook a little. Bucky laughed at him and hugged him. It felt very different in the nude.

“Shower,” Steve said, even pointing.

“Yeah, sorry,” Bucky said.

Steve had seen Bucky naked plenty of times at that point. He was very fond of a naked Bucky. It was a little different in the shower together after having failed with anal sex.

But Bucky washed his hair and Steve sort of mentally turned into a puddle.

“You’re really cute, baby,” Bucky said to him in a murmur.

“‘M cute,” Steve repeated.

“Cutest boy,” Bucky insisted.

“Yay,” Steve said softly.

He felt a lot better after the shower than before. Good enough that he blew Bucky, then asked to be touched in return for the first time. Bucky called him a good boy as he finished and  _ that _ was the clincher.

Bucky turned eighteen that year. Steve still had a few months to go until he turned seventeen, and for those few months that he was sixteen and Bucky was eighteen, it was pretty sexy. It felt forbidden or naughty. Maybe being comfortable with Bucky touching his bits changed something in him, because Steve was open to trying more things. He illicitly watched porn and discovered kinks. He discovered a lot of things about himself.

It seemed that Steve would always decide to bring up something serious while Bucky was using his Xbox to play online. Steve crawled into Bucky’s lap while he was on a loading screen and Bucky just carried on with his game.

“Hey, fuckers, if you’re gonna use slurs when you’re angry you deserve to get shot,” Bucky snapped into his mic.

“What slurs?” Steve asked.

“Don’t matter,” Bucky said. “Nah, that was my boyfriend. Yeah, I have a boyfriend, you cowards, suck my dick.”

“Buck,” Steve mumbled.

“Hang on,” Bucky said, reaching up quickly to mute his mic. “What?”

“Have you heard of, um,” Steve started, “this thing where – where people call their boyfriends – Um –”

Bucky raised his eyebrows. “Are you getting kitten-y on me, Stevie?”

“I’m not a kitten,” Steve protested.

“You purr when you’re happy, you climb into my lap every chance you get for pets, you’re constantly napping, and you like curling up into tiny spaces,” Bucky argued. “Kitten.”

“Daddy,” Steve blurted.

Bucky’s mouth opened. Steve could feel him thinking and  _ thinking. _

“It was just a thought, sorry, it’s –” Steve began.

Bucky covered his mouth with a hand, cutting Steve off, then unmuted his mic.

“Aight, I’m out,” he announced, “my boyfriend’s actually gonna suck my dick so, see ya.”

Steve heard garbled voices and laughter. 

“Youse are jealous!” Bucky shouts into his mic. “You’re assholes an’ you jealous you ain’t got a cute boy offerin’ t’a suck your dicks, ‘cause you’re all three-inch fools! Fuck off!”

Steve laughed and hid his face in Bucky’s neck as Bucky got out of the game.

“Stevie,” Bucky said, tossing the controller aside, “did you just call me Daddy?”

“No,” Steve muttered.

“This is an invitation to do it again,” Bucky insisted.

“Maybe,” Steve whispered.

“Jesus titty-fucking Christ,” Bucky whispered back. “Stevie, babydoll, please suck my dick and call me Daddy.”

Steve slid off his lap. 

So, his discoveries were received well by Bucky for the most part. Some things Bucky wasn’t entirely sure he was into, but Steve wasn’t sure he wanted to try them and even others weren’t realistic to try. The whole  _ Daddy _ thing? That became  _ their _ thing right away. 

Over the summer, Bucky got a job and Steve saw less of him. He pouted when Bucky wasn’t around and Bucky teased him for it, but Steve wasn’t too upset by that. His birth control, now that he was on it, fucked around with his cycle and sometimes there would be blood on the condom when Bucky pulled out and Steve was horrified by that but it was almost distant. He grew a few inches and his body fat redistributed itself. He was still able to hide his boobs with his binder or sports bras and baggy clothes. At school, he was out as trans. 

“My boyfriend’s cute!” Bucky would shout across the cafeteria whenever they had lunch at the same time.

Steve did not give a shit if their classmates were homophobic or transphobic. There was no such thing as Gay-Straight Alliance or Rainbow Club at their school, but he found one at a community center nearby. He joined. He met some more trans people. A trans girl, Natasha, became his new best friend.

“Steve,” Bucky whined when Steve introduced her as such, “ _ I’m _ your best friend!”   
  


“I can have two!” Steve argued.

“Boyfriends aren’t best friends,” Natasha said flatly.

“Eh,” Steve said. “Bucky’s been my best friend since we were literal toddlers.”

Bucky scooped Steve into his arms and stuck his tongue out at Natasha. Natasha rolled her eyes.

Even if he wasn’t out at home, Steve was pretty happy.

Coming out to his mother did happen. It happened. It was a thing that happened.

Steve and Bucky were having sex. They did that a lot. Sarah got home early. They didn’t hear her. Sarah banged on Steve’s bedroom door, scared Bucky’s dick out of Steve’s hole, and shouted: “GRACE STEPHANIE, I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN!”

“Don’t open the door!” Bucky shouted.

Steve numbly went looking for clothes. Bucky grabbed Steve’s arm and pulled him back, then took his collar off. Steve whined and covered his neck and scowled and emotions overwhelmed him. Bucky got off the bed, got the condom off and threw it away, then pushed Steve’s underwear and pants into his hands.

“GRACE!” Sarah shouted again.

“Hang on,” Bucky answered her.

“That’s not my name,” Steve whispered.

Bucky kissed his forehead. “I know, it’s not, sweetie, it’s not. Can you be big right now? Just so we can go talk to your mom and get her off our backs?”

Steve nodded. He hated what was going on in his head but it wasn’t as bad with Bucky right there, touching him. He put his clothes on, fumbled while Bucky threw his own clothes on at top speed. Steve waited until he was decent, then opened the door.

“Kitchen,” Sarah said flatly.

Steve ducked his head and shuffled out of the room. Bucky followed him quickly, just within reach.

Sarah led the way into the kitchen. She started talking and Steve realized he couldn’t really understand her words; she was talking fast and she was angry and he could not process anything. He looked at Bucky, his eyes wide, and Bucky made a reassuring face, gripping his shoulder.

“Bucky!” Sarah said abruptly. “I’m sorry, but you need to go home now, I think. Grace is in a lot of trouble.”

“It’s just the kitchen!” Steve gasped.

“It’s the whole apartment, Grace!” Sarah answered him loudly. “I asked you to make sure you got the place cleaned up and you promised me you would a week ago, you haven’t done any of it! I’m really disappointed with you!”   
  


Steve looked at Bucky. He was tearing up. Bucky looked distressed. Sarah was yelling. Steve hunched over and walked into Bucky so he wouldn’t burst into sobs.

“Can I stay please?” Bucky asked. “I just think he’s going through something, he’s –”

Bucky stopped. Steve didn’t want to look at his mom in case she insisted Bucky had to go home. 

“I’ll get on the chores,” Steve started to say.

“What did you say?” Sarah cut in.

“Fuck,” Bucky hissed. “Stevie – I think she’s just got, um, PMS or something and our classes are really overwhelming right now and – and her ADHD’s been really bad lately, and she didn’t want to stress you out about any of that, of course –”

“Oh, fuck,” Steve gasped belatedly.

“Stevie?” Sarah said quietly.

Steve looked up at Bucky. Bucky’s eyes were wide in horror.  _ I’m so sorry, _ he mouthed.

Steve swallowed, his mouth dry. He turned around and faced his mom.

“Do you want to tell me something, ducky?” Sarah asked, her voice a lot gentler now.

Steve bit his lip but he could see the realization going through his mom’s eyes. For a split second, he considered denying it.

“I’m a boy,” Steve blurted.

Sarah nodded slowly. “Okay, honey,” she whispered. “I’m – I’m sorry. You – Do you just like being called Stevie?”

“Or Steve,” Steve said carefully.

“Okay,” Sarah repeated. “Steve. Can I hug you, ducky?”

Steve nodded. Bucky let go of him and Steve moved forward to embrace his mother. She was taller than him, probably always would be. Sarah squeezed him.

“I’m so sorry you couldn’t tell me however you’d planned,” she said, “I’m so sorry you had to wait so long, honey. I promise, I love you no matter what.”

“Thanks,” Steve mumbled, sniffling.

“I’m sorry I yelled,” Sarah added. “I shouldn’t have done that. I am also really stressed these days.”

“Forgive you,” Steve said softly.

Sarah pulled back and kissed his forehead. Steve wiped his nose and Bucky moved closer with a tissue box. Steve took one and blew his nose.

“Okay,” Sarah sighed. “Okay. Steve. I would still like you to get your chores done.”

“Can Bucky stay?” Steve mumbled.

“I guess,” Sarah agreed. “Honestly, I’m not sure it’s not equally his responsibility that you haven’t done your chores,” she added with a weak smile in Bucky’s direction.

Bucky grimaced quickly. Steve grimaced, too.

“Thanks, Mom,” Steve muttered.

“Sure, ducky,” Sarah said. “Now. You’re seventeen. Do you want to get hormone therapy?”

Steve jerked his head up to look at her. Sarah raised her eyebrows.

“Yes,” Steve rasped. “Oh, hell yes! Yes! Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Sarah said. “My work does it, it should be covered by our insurance, we may as well get you started as soon as possible.”

Steve squealed and hugged his mom again. Sarah laughed as she squeezed him.

“I’m not saying it’s not gonna take a long time to get you actually taking testosterone,” Sarah insisted, “we’ll have to get you through a bunch of consultations and some therapy, but you’ll get there.”

“I love you,” Steve said. “Thank you. Thank you!”   
  


“Of course,” Sarah insisted. “You’re my kid, Stevie. My  _ son. _ I’m gonna help you be you and be happy.”

Steve teared up again. He felt better about crying over that.

**Author's Note:**

> _happy pride to me and all y'all other trans babeys out there. steve rogers says fuck transphobes. this was beta'd mostly by grammarly and also[chilibabie07](https://twitter.com/chilibabie07). fuck grammarly and fuck cops._
> 
> _oh yeah[my twitter](https://twitter.com/moonythejedi) is a thing there are links to the things that i'm not supposed to mention here on ao3 so if you go there you can see them and also part 2 happens to exist on the internet available for you to read if you go to my twitter and locate the thing that by ao3's rules i'm not allowed to mention_
> 
> _oh, um, there's part 2. soon. this month. when they are adults. mhm. part 2._


End file.
